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This Op-Ed was published March 12, 2024 on

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Today’s students are some of the most remarkable and resilient that I’ve seen in my career as a higher education leader. Faced with more twists and turns than any generation in recent memory, they remain optimistic, hungry and ready to make a difference.

But despite this self-assurance, there’s one major concern that looms as a challenge for this cohort: the ability to constructively manage conflict.

It’s been widely discussed that the pandemic generation around the world. But perhaps even more alarming is how quickly they fell behind in developing the interpersonal skills that are so important for living and working alongside one another. On college campuses, we witness the effects on a daily basis, with many of our students finding it hard to constructively advocate for what they need or to deal with disagreements in a solutions-oriented manner. The result is a worrisome rise in student conflicts on campus.

How did we get here? Today’s students have emerged as adults in a distinct environment for several big reasons:

The COVID-19 pandemic accelerated rates of seclusion, leaving young people cloistered during the crucial years when they should have been building social capital. The problem is such that U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued in our country, pointing to showing that the time young people spend with their peers has decreased by nearly 70% in the last two decades.

Many of these students celebrated rites of passage like prom or graduation over Zoom. Perhaps they didn’t experiment with dating or were unable to spend quality, in-person time with others their age during critical growth years. As a result, we see a lack of sophistication and social acuity needed to help them manage relationships in college.

For example, we’ve seen roommates who – despite sharing a living space – only communicate over text. We’ve even had students ask faculty and administrators for advice on how to talk to someone they’re interested in dating. And we regularly see groups of students sitting together, glued to their smartphones instead of engaging in conversations with one another.

They’re overly reliant on their parents to problem solve. Students are highly connected to their parents, often inhibiting their ability to make autonomous decisions or manage conflict on their own. Students all too readily hand our staff their phones with a parent on the other end, ready to take control of the situation rather than allow their child to gain the independence they need for when they graduate and enter the workforce. I regularly receive calls from parents expecting me to mitigate individual issues.

We’re facing a broader degradation of societal norms. The rise of simultaneously caused a decline in our expectations of decent behavior. In the digital realm, people hide behind their phones as they troll or argue with others anonymously. And that’s if they’re even looking at content they disagree with – the algorithms are sorting us into camps based on interests and beliefs, making it less likely we interact with anyone outside our own echo chamber. This can make it tough to transition to “real-life” situations, where students are living in dorms and attending classes with people who hold a wide range of beliefs and values.

The adults aren’t setting a good example. Today’s students came of age when the former U.S. president – one of the most influential and visible people in the world – was embraced and celebrated for his strident and confrontational style rather than for encouraging understanding and compromise. His success paved the way for so many other politicians, business leaders, celebrities – really, anyone else with an opinion and access to a computer or a smartphone – to follow suit. The kids were watching.

So, in the face of all of this, what’s the solution?

Teach by example. As my colleague Mildred García, chancellor of the 450,000-plus student California State University system, put it at a recent , we must teach students how to have civil debates and dialogue. One of the most important aspects of being in college is learning how to live in a civil democracy, and it’s our responsibility to uphold those standards.

Anyone with exposure to young people should demonstrate this personally: Sit down with students, and explain a different point of view face to face. Teach them how to explain themselves, while having the patience to listen to the thoughts of others. Emphasize that you’ll get a lot further when you’re not always on the attack or immediately playing defense.

Help them find their voice through training and mediation. At Montclair, we employ a number of strategies to ensure students can self-advocate instead of being reliant on others for guidance and decision-making. These include skill development opportunities during orientation, a roommate mediation center run by graduate students in our counseling program, and a peer training program called Social Justice Education.

The programming helps students learn how to navigate difficult conversations and supports inclusive connection by encouraging them to speak freely and respectfully as they build alliances around an understanding of differences. These sessions have demonstrated that peers listen to peers, resulting in improved communication, problem-solving and conflict management skills. This is what our democracy desperately needs! That’s why I joined College Presidents for Civic Preparedness, an initiative of the , to promote a shared commitment to providing students with the tools they need to prosper in a pluralistic society.

Champion intentional collaboration around shared interests. To combat the challenge of separating students from their phones and video games, we’ve launched groups like the Montclair University Gamers, which offers lively community and social engagement. This approach takes a commonality between the participants and introduces it in different social contexts, allowing them to contribute to real-life interactions without giving up their safety net.

But we find that others actually crave activities away from their screens. A group that’s risen in popularity post-pandemic is Montclair Unraveled, our knitting and crocheting club. Students make conversation while doing something productive with their hands.

We also strongly encourage public service and create opportunities for students to engage. While working in the community, students often find themselves in unfamiliar situations and interacting with people from different backgrounds. Yet when they know their purpose is to collectively focus on a shared goal that is bigger than themselves, interpersonal conflicts take a back seat.

Our goal is always to inspire students to look at the bigger picture as we prepare them to become responsible and engaged citizens. That mission is even more heightened during a critical election year. I’m focused on bridging the gap between our students and society by serving on the ’s 2024 Presidents’ Council to help create a culture of nonpartisan civic engagement and voter participation on all campuses.

No one purposely set out to prevent young people from appropriately engaging with their peers. But I do believe that all of us need to make a concerted effort to change the path that was charted over the past several years. We need to be more intentional and teach by example the necessary skills to navigate conflict with confidence, understanding and empathy.

At a time when our nation is more divided than ever, it’s on us to double down on helping students learn how to engage with each other respectfully.